Honestly I was late to start with the whole drinking thing. Up until I was 19, I had wanted to wait until I turned 21 to start drinking. Then a few friends of mine helped me realize that was a stupid idea... So I started drinking. I am such a lightweight that during my first year of drinking my limit was 3 Smirnoff Ice... Yup, you read that right. 3 Smirnoff Ice was my limit. 3 pansy ass 3.5% alcohol Smirnoff Ice and I was done for the night. The first time I got drunk was after having 3 Green Apple Bite Smirnoff Ice (still 3.5% alcohol) at the cast party for a show I had been in. I kid you not, I almost fell off the balcony and then slid down into the corner where I proceeded to giggle for half an hour... At nothing. My friends thought it was both sad and hilarious. As one person sarcastically put it, "damn that 5% alcohol is some serious stuff." I was too embarrassed to tell him it wasn't even 5%...
I turned 21 back in September and was the last of my roommates to reach legal drinking age. Every weekend since, two of my roommates and I go out dancing at the bar near our apartment on Saturday night. Now I have significantly improved my alcohol tolerance since my first year of drinking, but it's still not exactly something to brag about. When my roommates and I go out, they each have like 1 or 2 fruity drinks and maybe a shot if I beg them to take one with me. I, on the other hand, end up drinking a hell of a lot more, mostly due to my roommates egging me on since they think it's funny. On a typical Saturday night I'll usually have between 3-8 shots worth of alcohol.
My friends think I am hilarious when I'm drunk, because they can always tell when the alcohol has hit me, and it's usually a good twenty minutes before I'm aware or willing to admit it. You know how some people play it so cool that you can't tell if they're drunk? ... Yeah that's not me.
The first sign I'm drunk is what my roommates call the "Glinda voice" (for those of you that don't know, Glinda is the good witch from the Wizard of Oz and Wicked). As soon as the alcohol hits me, it's like I've sucked in 8 balloons worth of helium. I get high pitched, slightly whiney, and a huge case of the "gigs".
The second sign I'm drunk is that I start dancing. A lot. Doesn't matter where I am. I've danced at a bar, I've danced while playing beer pong, I've danced in the middle of the street.. It's bad. And according to my roommates I purse my lips like a duck when I drunk dance... Lovely.
The third sign I'm drunk is that I want French fries. Without fail, every time I get drunk I crave and beg for French fries. There really is no rhyme or reason to it. I just want French fries. A friend of mine that's a nursing major tried to explain the science behind it to me one time, but I was too drunk and too busy trying to evil genius a way to convince the people at McDonalds to give me a large thing of French fries for the $1.15 worth of nickels, dimes, and pennies I currently had in my wallet as well as the contents of my pockets, which at the moment were a sticky lollipop stick, a receipt from Chick-fil-a, a gum wrapper, and lint. Needless to say I did not get French fries that night.
The fourth sign I'm drunk is that I say the most ridiculous, odd, random stuff that you can't help but laugh at. At one point I told my friends I was "inebriated"... I may be drunk but I'm still a college student after all. My roommates have started taking my phone at some point during the night to write down the things I say in a note so that I can see them in the morning. Here are the contents of that note as well as some context behind the quotes:
~ "Pizza, you'll never leave me."
I said this to a piece of pizza I was holding lovingly and then proceeded to eat. I kid you not, EVERY time we eat pizza now my roommates say this...
I will one day find the person that years ago told me you are supposed to do this when you make your wish at 11:11.
~ "You know when I get drunk I can't find my legs"
My legs get kinda numb when I drink...
~ "I have to blink to see my phone"
When I get drunk I have to WINK to see my phone because I get double vision.
~ "You're very bright, just like an angel"
I had blacked out for this one so I'm not sure of the context... As I was told, the context of this quote didn't cause it to make any more sense than it does right now.
~ "I feel like I just snorted a lot of weed"
I obviously know so much about drugs...
~ "Your mother's a fat whore"
This one actually isn't as bad as it sounds. My roommate was reading a note of funny quotes from her phone and one of them was "I hate to break it to you, but your mother is a cannibal". As if she was speaking to me, that was my response.
~ "Hellen Keller, Anne Frank, what's the difference? They both couldn't talk."
Sigh... Another one that makes me sound completely uneducated... We were playing the beer pong game "Jews vs. Nazis" (Google it. Gather several of your friends that have a good sense of humor because you need to play this game. It is hilarious) and I was a Jew. The Jews get to hide the "Anne Frank cup". For some reason, I kept calling it the "Helen Keller cup" which is not even close... That was my explanation.
~ "I'm gonna hate you! I'm gonna hate you when you're older and need 3 people to take me to the bathroom"
Blacked out and it took 3 people to drag my drunk ass to the bathroom... Not really sure what I even meant to say. All I know is I said it while laying on the floor of my bathroom.
~ "You've got four eyes. You're like Spider-Man! But you're not scary, you're beautiful."
The worst part about this is that I said it to my roommate who wears glasses.
~ "You guys just want to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me"
I was in my apartment with 3 straight girls like myself...
~ "That's about as straight as Ryan Seacrest"
Not quite sure where I was going with this one, but people laughed and seemed to understand the point.
~ "You were eating his French fry like Lady and the Tramp"
My roommate shared a French fry with a guy like the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp.
~ "Mickey you have so much knowledge"
Mickey did have a lot of knowledge that night...
~ "Who are you talking to? We're all pansy white asses."
I think this one kind of explains itself.
"Haha Harry can't finger."
We were playing beer pong and there's some rule where if girls are playing you can try to finger the ball out of the cup before it hits the water. We were playing with my roommate's exboyfriend. Needless to say, he couldn't finger.
~ "That's the only time Harry has made Brittany wet"
Shortly after the last quote, he spilled a drink on her.
~ "Just like 9/11, that fry will be remembered."
I told you, when i'm drunk i love my french fries. I dropped a French fry while laying across the entire backseat of my car as my roommate drove us home. My birthday is 9/11 so I kinda feel like I can get away with saying something like this.
~ "French fries are like dicks, except you bite them."
Again showing my odd affinity for French fries....... And dicks...
~ "I can't feel my lips."
We had a shot of Firewater for the first time. For those of you that don't know, Firewater is essentially Fireball on steroids. Fireball is 35% alcohol, whereas Firewater is 50% alcohol... It burned.
~ "I think I got roofied"
That Firewater was strong!!
~ "Hooters!"
She sang as she laid across the backseat of her car while her roommate drove her drunk ass home.
~ "Oh no, the last French fry - Outback!!"
My ADHD and my short attention span come out when I'm drunk.
~ "Help me! I'm like the fly from Emperor's New Groove."
(If you don't get it go watch The Emperor's New Groove). My roommates and I came back from a fun night out and got into the elevator in our building along with an RA from our floor and his girlfriend. He said "hey" and I just lost it and fell over from giggling so hard. I said this as I was asking for help getting up off the floor. But I will forever be "that weird, drunk, giggling chick that tanked it in the elevator."
~ "Obama promised us change, and the vending machine gave me some."
Honestly, I am quite proud of this quote, because it can still make me laugh. All that happened was I bought a honey bun from a vending machine. The machine spit out like 3 quarters for my change and I apparently took it as a sign to become more political.
~ "I'm sorry for slavery."
Where to start, where to start? So my roommates and I were coming back from a bar one night along with two guys we just kind of picked up along the way and were talking to. One of them was black. Now my roommates and I have put our own little twist on the F-U-N song from Spongebob and made it more hilarious and collegiate. Here's how it goes:
"B is for bitches who do stuff together, U is for you're a slut, N is for nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, We changed the word to bun."
Yeah... So I decided it'd be fun to sing this song since I was drunk. My roommates told me I couldn't. I then looked over and noticed that the guy walking next to me was black. I literally asked him if he was black -.- . I then proceeded to sing the song anyway and he laughed so hard. He was such a good sport since he could tell how plastered I was. I then proceeded to give him a hug, attempt to convince him I wasn't a racist, and apologized for slavery... Yes, I am that girl...
~ "If we're lightweights, that makes you a heavyweight!"
Okay I mean if you think about it, it makes complete sense... If lightweights can't handle alcohol, then people who can would be called "heavyweights." But it totally came out the wrong way...
~ "My lips feel funny"
Moonshine will do that to you. (It was my first time having it.)
~ "Mommy Sarah said she was gonna hit me..."
More like Mommy Sarah was about to beat my ass for being drunk and stumbling around our apartment. My roommate told me to sit down since the room was spinning and like a child I refused. So she turned on Mommy mode. I won't lie, I'm a little scared of her when I'm sober, so when I was drunk it was like having your mom put you in time out.
~ "Ghetto ass bitches in my club, doing their thang, doing their thang. Ghetto ass bitches in my club, shwang shwang."
I deserve at least a little creative credit here. "Thang" is not an easy word to rhyme with when you're drunk. I get drunk and send little songs to my roommates via Snapchat. I wish I had an explanation for this one...
~ "I wanta kiss someone, but not a black guy, because I have standards. But I'm not a racist."
Where to even start with this one? When I get drunk I want to kiss random strangers whose names I do not know... Um all I can say is that I am a huge fan of black people, I really am. I think they're really funny, friendly, and cool to be around. That being said, I grew up in a town where the first time I interacted with a black person was like second grade. My elementary school literally had like 600 students, and 6 of them were black. So yeah... Idk really what else to say about this quote other than that I'm pretty sure I yelled it while at a bar and got a really weird look from a black guy a few feet away. Hence the "but I'm not a racist" part.
So yeah... That's the extent of my drunk quotes so far... My roommates and I have created a board in our apartment that we fill with the hilarious things we all say. 90% of mine are from when I had been drinking. But I mean that's one of the best parts about drinking. You not only have a fun time because you're letting loose, but you're also giving other people a fun time as well. Everybody wins.
So basically, the moral of this story is get drunk and say funny stuff. (But never let people record you).
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